


Envy

by Ibenholt



Series: Sannel Mollari [5]
Category: Babylon 5
Genre: Alien Culture, Alien Mythology/Religion, M/M, Original Character(s), Parents & Children, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-08
Updated: 2013-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-04 17:06:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/713057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ibenholt/pseuds/Ibenholt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dad and papa would not have cared had she fallen to her knees and worshipped Droshalla or Valen. They want her to have something to lean on, whether it is because of her soul’s calling, or because it can get her through the day."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Envy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Avelera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avelera/gifts).



It is perfectly understandable that Sannel does not want to sit still and meditate when she is little. G’Kar is not bothered by it. She has been given the chance to be a child instead of being forced to grow up to soon like both Narn and Centauri younglings usually are. Londo takes her with him to somewhere she can run around and have fun, while G’Kar stays at home with his candles and copy of The Book of G’Quan. 

In due time, Sannel does sit still and she does meditate. She studies the texts, says the prayers and chants, and she participates during the Holy Days of G’Quan. At first, he is nearly bursting with pride over her patience and calmness. But there is something wrong. The joy and enthusiasm leaves her during the ceremonies.

He tucks her in one night and asks what is bothering her. She does not yet possess the vocabulary to properly explain it, but G’Kar understands. Even if G’Quan’s wisdom reaches her, she does not feel the connection or the same faith he does, and that bothers her. He smiles and tells her that perhaps another prophet will speak to her. She is not obliged to follow the way of G’Quan. He gives her a data crystal where all the texts of the prophets are contained. She reads them all over and over. At the end of the week, she has not slept and barely eaten, and she is even further away from finding a prophet she can follow.

The time comes for her to choose her name, but they are both reluctant to even talk about it. Londo snorts at them, telling Sannel that she already has a name, and that she should not be ashamed of it. “What does it matter if the Narns call you G’Nel or Na’Nel, hm? You will still be Sannel to everyone else! You won’t change.” She wants to tell him that she is not ashamed, but that it is tradition.

A tradition she is unable to follow. Her birthday is not a pleasant day, it’s a reminder that she is not fully Narn, nameless and still a child. 

There is something wrong with her, she tells herself. All the others have already chosen, or knows what names they will choose. Why doesn’t she? Half a year passes with no change, and she becomes desperate.

Londo is surprised when she comes to him and asks about the Centauri pantheon. Spirituality is not his field of expertise, but he is not so uneducated that he cannot list every god and goddess and their areas.

He reveals the harsh belief that most Centauri share, that they devote themselves to one god or goddess in addition to the Great Maker, hoping to enter their realm when they die, so that the circle of rebirth can be broken.

He tells her about Venzen, the god of food, and how everyone who devotes their faith to him will stay in his realm after their death. Sannel thinks the idea of remaining in a place where she can only eat and enjoy herself for eternity sounds blissful. Then she learns that Venzen in reality was an emperor who always ate and accidentally crushed his third wife while attempting to make love to her for the first time. When his other wives denied sharing his bed after that, he put more effort and time into eating and finally died alone surrounded by the food he had loved so much.

Londo then introduces her to Li, goddess of passion. She was a woman with ideas of sex and passion that were outrageous for her time and she was banished from her town. She became a martyr. He adds that she is perhaps a bit too young to worship Li just yet, and then tells her about Ilarus, the goddess of gambling. Just in time for G’Kar to overhear them and take her away from him before giving her any ideas.

She finally meditates on the matter while her fathers argue in the living room. As she reaches a conclusion, she realizes that she will most likely give them another reason to fight. 

The one thing she has been given completely free will in is impossible for her to decide on. Dad and papa would not have cared had she fallen to her knees and worshipped Droshalla or Valen. They want her to have something to lean on, whether it is because her soul’s calling, or because it can get her through the day. Following the wisdom of the prophets, gods and goddesses requires a strong belief and devotion, something she lacks. The prayers become lies in her mouth, and the incense only a bitter smell.

As the night falls, she emerges from the bedroom and announces that she believes in the universe and incarnation. The disappointed looks they have are underlined when they say that they are happy for her.

Sannel tries to console herself with her faith or lack of it, but whenever she sees dad meditate, or papa raise a toast to Li, something gnaws at her from the inside and she wonders what she is missing out on.


End file.
